Today I Cried. That was going to be the title of the blog I wanted to write a week ago. I had lots of ideas on what I wanted to say; what I needed to get off my chest; what I thought others might want to know. In reality, I was too overwhelmed to actually sit down and write, so insead I cried (that is a good thing).
My new title would have to be Give It Time. The three weeks that we’ve been home have been such an upheaval. So many emotions, changes, adjustments, frustrations, and joys! I knew there would be adjustments and things would take time, but knowing it and living it are two completely different things.
After our delay in Kiev, we arrived home on September 26. William and I were both sick, so our energy was low. My mother had been staying here taking care of Emily and Mason. What a blessing she has been! She cooked, cleaned, monitored homework, and a myriad of other things the first few days we were home. This allowed us a little bit of time to decompress. I begged and begged her to stay until at least Christmas, but sadly, she said she had to go home. I didn’t really think she’d stay, but one can always hope. :0)
I shared in an earlier blog the challenges we were having with Anna. This continued at home as well. Most days I felt like I had fought World War 3, 4, and 5 before lunch time. Anna is a very passionate child. When she’s happy, she’s very happy and loving. When she’s not getting her way, she’s very passionate about her complaints. I know this is typical of most young children, but I kept forgetting. It’s been exhausting. When you’re that frustrated, it’s hard to remember that God brought this child into my life for a reason, and that I need to put aside my own needs and love on her. Without the love and security of an authentic relationship, how could I expect any growth or obedience? Why would I expect her to obey me and our rules consistently (in such a short time!). She’s only known me a month!
Where is Misha in all this? Watching. He hasn’t been the challenge that Anna has been, but he’s also still adjusting. He’s a boy and he’s a teen (almost). He’s in a new culture, new language, new family, new food, and new expectations. Nothing is familiar. His friends are not here. There is no routine (yet). And his new Mom seems to be yelling all the time. But there’s also been laughter. He has a great sense of humor, loves Scooby Doo, and is looking forward to his birthday party. His understanding of English (which is quite a bit) has been SOOO helpful in communicating with Anna. Sometime “I know” is really “I don’t understand”. As our relationship has developed he tells me more often that something is confusing or he doesn’t understand. I’ve also asked. He's developing sibling relationships with Emily and Mason, and learning to trust me enough to care for Anna.
Throw into this mix our 5 year old son and almost 8 year old daughter who have been without Mom and Dad for almost a month. These kids are rule followers. We’ve trained them up this way. It’s been important that we acknowledge their frustrations and needs through this transition time. That we love on them, read with them, cuddle with them and hear all their stories of the day. But it’s hard when you have nothing left to give. Yet, as a parent, you somehow give anyway.
If you are adopting, I would encourage you to call someone you can complain to and complain. Don’t wait for it to build up. If you’re not currently adopting, call someone who is and let them complain to you. They’re not a bad parent, nor did they make a mistake. They just need an ear (and a hug). Even if you just send them an email to say, “I’m here if you want to talk”, you will be a great encouragement.
It’s been three weeks. We’re learning to Give It Time. Adjustments don’t happen overnight. They will continue, bit by bit, over the coming year and then continue some more. I’m trying to remember to give my perfectionist tendencies a break and just enjoy the moment. I’m learning to ask for help, because I CAN’T do it all myself. Mostly, I’m being reminded to pray. God has been in control of this whole process from the get-go. He’s not going to leave me high and dry now. The actual adoption is just the beginning of God’s plan for our family.
Oh Tracy, have I been there. Not, obviously, through the adoption process, but through the heart-wrenching, gut-checking frustrations of life with a highly spirited child. You have the added difficulties of a language barrier and the upheaval for both of you of suddenly becoming a family, but the difficulties cross all of those lines. And yet in those children, there are the most amazing qualities that appear at just the right moments to remind us how special they are and why they have been placed into our lives.
ReplyDeleteSo for now, and until your lives all settle down, scream, cry, rant, or whatever else you need to do. Apologize when appropriate, since that, too, teaches a lesson. And find joy in the little things, the everyday things, the things that pop up to remind you that this is where you need to be and what you need to be doing and who you need to be doing it for. Above all, make the time for yourself, for exercise, for reading, for scrapping, for praying, as all of those things will give you the fuel you need to be there for them.
And when you've absolutely had it, and you're ready to run screaming from the room or to duct tape them all to the front porch and sell them to the gypsies, turn on the TV (for them), lock yourself in the room of your choice (with or without an adult beverage), pick up the phone and call. There are a whole lot of us out here who will listen, give advice if you want - or not, if you don't, and will arrive with chocolate at the drop of a hat.
I'm praying for you. When we brought our daughters home, 9 1/2 years ago (is it possible?!)our older daughter had a very hard time, and was very reluctant to allow us to love her or to take on her place in our family. Her younger sister watched everything, not willing to receive and return affection, but not otherwise angry. Our biological sons were princes, forgiving and gracious. The healing kind of creeps up on you. One day, maybe about four months into it, John and I looked at each other and said, "You know, we haven't had a hurricane in a few weeks." My younger son started to provoke his new sister in mild and normal sibling ways, because we were beginning to trust her not to overreact. It just got better and better...
ReplyDeleteAlmost ten years down the road, I have two amazing, beautiful, loving, confident teenage daughters (and two reasonably wonderful adult sons). I wouldn't trade a minute of it. I often reflect on how much poorer our life would be without our girls.
I know this is a tough transition, and I pray for your faith not to waver. It will get better. If I can be of any support to you (I'm in Mountain View), let me know.