Words of a Wise Woman

Bonding. As you get ready to adopt, people talk about bonding. Books talk about bonding. You dream about bonding with your new child. For me (unconsciously), I envisioned a fairly gentle process in which we spent some time together, "adapted" to new ways, and magically became a cohesive family. I knew this would take time - several months to say the least - and there wouldn't really be any magic involved. Sure there would be some bumps in the road, but overall a fairly smooth journey.

For those of you who know us, you know that William and I have high behavioral expectations for our kids. When asked to do something, we expect it to happen the first time it's asked (No it doesn't happen that way all the time.) Emily and Mason learned the words "obedience" and "consequences" at an early age. As with most people, when stressed, we get even less patient when the response is not what we expect. Add to this two more kids who do not have a clear understanding of the English language or the "Uranga Way".

As I've mentioned on several occasions, our adjustment time has been very hard. I have been brought to tears on several occasions wondering what the heck I'm gonna do with a child who defies me the way Anna does. (Emily and Mason were VERY easy and compliant in comparison). Time outs are torture. You can only take away so many toys before there are no more. Even removing the light bulbs when playing with the light switch became a game and act of defiance. Anyway, not to go into a ton of detail here or bemoan the fact that it's been hard. I mention this only to share the wisdom of a wise woman and a new friend (whom I finally called in desperation).

"She hasn't bonded with you yet." What? How can that be? It's been 7 weeks. We should be much further along than that!

"She sees you as care givers like in the orphanage, but not parents." My friend went on to say that it's OK to lose some battles in order to win the war. That it might appear lenient, but in fact it was more about bonding with your child at this point than obedience. This is so unnatural to me, but it makes a lot of sense. Instead of my lashing out in anger and frustration, I need to hold her and love on her. What's that old saying? "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." And really, it's not just about Anna. Everyone is effected. What am I modeling to the other kids? What can they expect from me? How is it effecting my relationship with William? This is not to say that she can do anything she wants, but what are our absolutes?

My friend also advised that this time should be a bare bones schedule if possible - as if we were in a cabin doing cabin activities. These will help build that relational bridge. The focus becomes each other without all the outside distractions.

In the two days since my frantic phone call, I have been rethinking my actions. My goal is to breathe and think "bonding" rather than "obedience". I am purposefully calmer. I look for more opportunities to kiss, hug, hold, tickle, and cuddle with her. Instead of sending Mason and Anna off to play Trouble alone, I played with them (and saved myself a lot of trouble that probably would have occurred). Even folding laundry became a family event. Children with underwear on their heads can have a humorous effect on such a chore. For Anna, it soon became a distraction from getting it done, so I had her help me with an article of clothing or I put my hands over hers as we folded something together. Misha, Emily and I spent time earlier in the day putting party gift bags together. It was fun. Dipping strawberries in chocolate for dessert (each person with their own chocolate cup) was a hilarious end to our meal.

Results?

• Not one tantrum or escalated defiance.
• Happier Mama.
• Happier Emily, Mason, and Misha.
• Happier hubby.
• Better obedience - not perfect, of course, but better.

Sure there's been times when Anna hasn't wanted to do what I've asked, but my response has been different.

No one promised that bonding with our kids would be a gentle ride. It 's been more like a wild roller coaster. Each child comes with their own expectations, opinions, ways of handling stress (and yes, they're stressed, too), baggage, and personalities. But I know that God chose these kids for us. That this is His plan for our family. How I respond is my choice. Actions will bring re-actions. The question is what will mine be. I need to make sure that I'm listening -to God, to my kids hearts.